Wheel of Excuses: 150 Joke Excuses for Six Situations

Numbers on the wheel

1. A goose was guarding my driveway and we could not come to terms.
2. My alarm clock and I are no longer on speaking terms.
3. I left on time, but my shoelaces were tied to each other.
4. The snooze button made a very persuasive case.
5. I left on time, but my shadow was not ready and I do not like to rush it.
6. A street magician picked me as his volunteer and the trick ran long.
7. I got stuck behind a very slow parade of ducklings.
8. My shoes were hiding, and they are better at hiding than I am at seeking.
9. My keys went on vacation without me and sent a postcard.
10. I dreamed I was already at work, so I thought the day was covered.
11. My coffee was too hot to drink and too important to leave behind.
12. A pigeon gave me directions, and I now think it was guessing.
13. The elevator and I disagreed about which floor I wanted.
14. I was early yesterday, so I assumed it would average out.
15. My horoscope said to avoid rushing.
16. I was halfway here when I noticed I was still wearing slippers.
17. A squirrel looked at me like it knew something, and I had to find out what.
18. My reflection and I could not agree on a hat.
19. My umbrella turned inside out and I felt I owed it a moment.
20. I was busy rehearsing what I would say about being late.
21. My toast landed butter side down and I needed time to process it.
22. The sunrise was running late, and I did not want to start without it.
23. Gravity was unusually strong around my bed this morning.
24. My map app sent me through a hedge maze and wished me luck.
25. I followed the person in front of me, and it turns out they do not work here.
26. I carried all the groceries in one trip, and that was arm day and leg day.
27. My gym bag is packed and by the door, which felt like enough for one day.
28. I walked to the fridge and back several times, and it adds up.
29. The gym is too far to walk to, and driving there defeats the point.
30. I did not want the treadmill to feel used.
31. My workout playlist is not finished, and you cannot rush art.
32. I am saving my energy for one really big workout some time next year.
33. My stretchy pants are in the wash and I refuse to exercise in jeans.
34. I already raised my heart rate today by opening my inbox.
35. I went last month and I am still thinking about it.
36. I did one push-up and felt that any more would be showing off.
37. The sofa needed me.
38. I am letting the other members have a turn on the machines.
39. I read an article about exercise, which counts as cardio for the mind.
40. It is raining. The gym is indoors, but it is the principle.
41. I went upstairs twice for my phone, so the stair machine is covered.
42. My blanket has me in a hold I cannot break.
43. I could not find two matching socks, and I have standards.
44. I do not want to peak too early in the year.
45. I ran late all day, which is basically running.
46. I vacuumed the whole house very thoroughly and I am counting it.
47. My sneakers are very clean and I would like to keep them that way.
48. I wrestled a fitted sheet onto a mattress and, frankly, I won.
49. Rest days matter, and I take all seven of mine very seriously.
50. I am waiting for a wheel to tell me which exercises to do.
51. I was nearly finished when I decided the whole thing needed a better font.
52. It is done. It is just not written down yet.
53. I work best under pressure, and there was not enough of it until an hour ago.
54. My laptop started an update in 2019 and says it is nearly there.
55. I spent the week making a very detailed plan for doing it.
56. I color-coded my to-do list so carefully that no time was left to do any of it.
57. I thought the deadline was more of a guideline.
58. I got to 99 percent, and the last one percent is taking as long as the first 99.
59. The E on my keyboard is stuck, and have you seen how many words need one?
60. I buried the file in the garden for safekeeping, and the dog has moved it.
61. I named the files final, final2 and final-real, and lost track of which is final.
62. I was waiting for inspiration, and it got held up somewhere.
63. The cat walked across the keyboard and her version was better, so I started again.
64. I tidied my desk first, then my room, then somehow the garage.
65. I opened one tab for research and came to three hours later, an expert on octopuses.
66. I was busy making the progress chart for the project look nice.
67. I finished it in my head and forgot to tell my hands.
68. My calendar is still on last year, and last year this was not due.
69. The printer sensed that I was in a hurry.
70. I wrote it all down on a napkin, and then there was soup.
71. I asked myself for an extension and I said yes.
72. I set a reminder, then a reminder to check the reminder, and ignored them both.
73. I made a snack, the snack became a meal, and the meal became a nap.
74. I finished it, then improved it until it stopped working.
75. Future me promised to handle it, and future me is unreliable.
76. My chatting muscles have cramped and I need to walk it off, all the way home.
77. I have to get home and feed my sourdough starter.
78. My plants get anxious if I am out after nine.
79. I left my other party running.
80. I have an early appointment with my pillow.
81. My cat has set me a strict curfew.
82. I turn into a pumpkin at ten, and nobody needs to see that.
83. I have used up all three of my conversation topics.
84. I have to be up early to do absolutely nothing, and I want to be fresh for it.
85. These are the fancy kind of shoes that stop working after two hours.
86. I told my sofa I would be back by ten.
87. I have a book at home that is just getting good.
88. I have run out of ways to ask "so, how do you know the host?"
89. The last hot-air balloon home leaves at nine, and they do not wait.
90. I need to go home and think about everything I said tonight.
91. I came for the snacks, and the snacks are gone.
92. I promised my dog a bedtime story.
93. The playlist has started to repeat, which is nature's way of saying go home.
94. I have reached my limit for standing up while holding a plate.
95. I am leaving now so that you remember me as fun.
96. I am trying to beat my record for fastest time into pajamas.
97. My goldfish worries.
98. I am pacing myself for a party in 2031.
99. I said my goodbyes twenty minutes ago and it would be odd to still be here.
100. My goodbye lap of the room takes an hour, so I had better begin.
101. I replied in my head, and it was a great reply.
102. I opened it, got distracted by a bird, and the moment passed.
103. I am drafting the perfect answer and I am on version nine.
104. My reply is still in rehearsal.
105. I saw it at a bad time, then at a worse time, and then it got awkward.
106. My phone has gone on a silent retreat and asked not to be disturbed.
107. I was saving my answer for a special occasion.
108. I typed a reply, put the phone down to think, and thought for four days.
109. Your message was so good I did not want to spoil it with an answer.
110. I answer messages in the order received, and there is a backlog from 2019.
111. I sent you a thumbs up in my mind and assumed it had gone through.
112. I wrote back in invisible ink by mistake.
113. I watched you typing, then you stopped, and I panicked.
114. I ran out of emojis.
115. I answered out loud and forgot you were not in the room.
116. My screen is cracked right across the spot where your name appears.
117. I left you on read because I was reading it very carefully.
118. My notifications are in a pile, and yours is near the bottom, holding the others up.
119. My phone ran away with the TV remote and neither has been seen since.
120. I did answer, by carrier pigeon, and it should be with you soon.
121. I fell asleep with the reply half typed, and it just says "Sounds g".
122. I wanted my answer to arrive fashionably late.
123. The group chat had 214 unread messages and I needed supplies before going in.
124. I recorded a voice note eleven times and did not like my voice in any of them.
125. The message arrived while I was holding a sandwich, and priorities are priorities.
126. They are soaking.
127. I am letting them soak until the weekend, for the flavor.
128. I cooked, and the ancient law says the cook does not wash.
129. I washed up last time, and I have a very long memory.
130. The sponge looked at me funny.
131. I did not want to break up the tower, because it has real structural beauty.
132. I am waiting for enough dishes to make it worth the water.
133. The pan told me it needed more time.
134. My hands have only just dried and I would hate to undo that.
135. I thought we were going for a lived-in look.
136. I am letting the pan think about what it did.
137. I am running an experiment on how long a fork can wait.
138. I used one glass all day, so my share is one glass.
139. It is someone else's turn. I can feel it.
140. The dishwasher is full of clean dishes, and unloading is a separate job.
141. I cannot reach the sink past the dishes.
142. Somebody told me to let things go.
143. The hot water takes ages to arrive and I respect its journey.
144. I did the big plate, and the big plate counts as three.
145. I rinsed them, which is most of washing.
146. I would, but my feet have clocked out for the day.
147. My sleeves are the wrong length for washing up.
148. The dish soap is the wrong scent and I cannot work like this.
149. I am leaving them as a surprise for future me.
150. I will do them after this episode, which is the longest episode ever made.